Peter Learns Not to be Such a Jackass When Walking On Water
He had it coming, just ask anyone...
After Peter learned to walk on water, he was completely insufferable. “Parkour!” yelled Peter, stumbling around on the two-foot swells.
“What does ‘Parkour’ mean?” asked John.
“From context, I assume it means ‘incredibly annoying.’” This was James. James had a dry sense of humor, and a proverbial stick up his ass.
“Peter, stop that!” said Judas. Not that Judas, the other one. Later on, he asked everyone to please call him Thaddeus. “You look stupid.”
But Peter wouldn’t stop. He tap-danced around the port of Jaffa and goose-stepped on the Jordan. He pranced up and down the rivers and did pushups on the lakes. “Look at me!” he would shout, doing a sort of can-can maneuver that sprayed water into the Apostles’ faces with each magnificent leg kick. They would have tackled him—maybe even tied him up and thrown him overboard. But alas, he was already overboard. And none of them could walk on water.
———
It was the Sea of Galilee that finally did it. Jesus wasn’t with them at the time, and Peter was standing on the waves, gently bobbing up and down and doing impressions. He did John the Baptist having a fit, and then something inappropriate about Caesar Augustus, and then James.
“Oh, come on! I do not do that,” said James—a line that Peter mimicked perfectly, making everyone laugh. Peter ate it up. They were with him now, he could feel it.
“Look, I’m Jesus!” he said. He circled his arms theatrically, then delivered his best Jesus impression. It had pizzaz. It had punch. All the best gestures were perfectly timed to the upswell of the waves. They loved it.
Suddenly, the laughter died away.
“What’s wrong?” said Peter. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Everyone glanced in different directions, or suddenly became busy with the rigging.
“He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
Jesus, who was in fact standing right behind Peter, rolled his eyes. Looking back over his shoulder, Peter saw him make a small flicking motion with one index finger.
“Oh Christ,” said Peter. Then he dropped like a stone.
———
They pulled him into the boat a few minutes later, but not before letting him flounder in the water for a while.
“You sure did holler and yell,” said Thomas. “Don’t you know how to swim?”
“Oh God, I’m drowning! Someone save me!” crooned James, doing his best Peter impression. It wasn’t half bad, and more than fair.
Peter glared. He slumped against the bottom of the boat and pushed the sopping wet hair out of his eyes. He could see Matthew taking notes, as usual.
“Make me look cool,” he pleaded. “Please Matthew. Say it was a storm or something.”
Matthew considered this. “I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have to think about it.”
There was silence, and the boat sailed on.
———
Peter still walked on water for the rest of his life, but he was a little nicer about it after that.